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Monday, 6 December 2010

Life Sucks... I think...

Ok it's been a while since I posted anything other than articles, that said not a huge amount has happened. Everything's still going really well. I work for myself, I live by myself - (well apart from the kids), I don't have any major outside factors affecting my life, I rent so I have no major financial ties, and I can run my business from pretty much anywhere. I appreciate I'm in a very privileged position, one a lot of people with 9-5's, and the normal ties would envy. But... there's just this one little sods-law element to it all. It's only now that I can do anything I want... I suddenly realise:

I have NO IDEA what I want!

But here's the thing. Now I get to thinking about it, I'm not sure I ever have. In fact I think there's very few people that actually know what they want. We all fall into the same trap, we all know what we don't want, so we focus on getting away from those things. I've never thought of myself as a negative person, but it occurs to me this is exactly what I've been doing:

I didn't want to stay in a crappy marriage, I got divorced.
I didn't want to live in the city, I moved to the country(ish).
I didn't want a 9-5, I started working for myself.

And so it went on... but I've ran out of stuff I don't like. This should be great, I should be having some sort of party... but I'm not.

This got me thinking, wondering if everyone else is doing the same thing. I mean when was the last time you looked in the mirror and actually asked yourself what you want out of live. How many people just go through time reacting to circumstances based on what they don't want, and assume that what's left must be what they do want.

A here's the really scary part, what if there's stuff that over the years, for the sake of self preservation you've never even contemplated wanting. Stuff that you haven't allowed yourself to see as a possibility. Stuff you've even actively distanced yourself from, as an act of preserving a sense of acceptance of the life you find yourself in. Stuff that actually when you come to having that conversation with yourself in the mirror it turns out you really do want.

Do you:
a) think "you know what I've cut all the crap out of my life already, a lot of people don't get that, and when they do it's often later in life. I should give myself a slap, be damn thankful for it and stop looking for problems where there are none."
b) Have that difficult conversation with yourself and contemplate having to face up to the fact you may have been subconsciously lying to yourself. Go looking for what will make you happy but face the distinct possibility of finding a whole load more crap you'll have to cut out all over again.

Answers on a postcard guys... (or just comment...)


  1. Nice post Lily. I know what you mean, I went through a similar thing not so long ago. It's quite a shift to move from the subconsciously negative stance to the consciously positive outlook, and I have to admit I often slip between the two.

    I've had both those conversations with myself, mostly part A but often part B, on many an occasion and I think it's a healthy chat to have with yourself but it's not always a painless answer.
    You shouldn't over look the positive things that have come from actions that may have driven by past negativity. :)

  2. Good points! Past negativity has gotten me a long way... but it's really not what I want driving me forward.

    Lily x