The day feels somewhat low-key when I look back through the notifications from various apps showing me "On this day..." posts. From what used to be the culmination of weeks of work, to host all-night events, to now happily planning a day in quiet contemplation, taking a walk among falling leaves. From scrabbling with pumpkin carving, costumes and various family events, to a quick "I won't be too late!" as my youngest dashes out of the door with a black dress and witches hat to celebrate with friends right after college.
It seems so quiet... and that's not a bad thing.
Today has always been a day of reflection and hope for me. This year that seems more present than ever. Between this Samhain and next I have a heck of a milestone looming. Forty. I used to joke that I'd like to be retired by then, never thinking I actually would. However, it seems like it is set to become at least partially a reality. To my vast surprise, I've reached this point and realised that decision has actually very little to do with investments and future planning (although having built an income from my fave hobby rather than a "job" is a massive factor), and everything to do with feeling happy that I've done... enough.
My life has gone through a number of chapters, there was "pre-Lily", I got married young, had kids, had little focus on anything outside of that, and few friends. Then there was "Lily", I got away from my first husband and I built a life for me and the kids, I found this crazy bunch of people that loved the folklore and magic I had discovered, and I felt more myself than I ever had. Then there was "Gordon & Lily", well you all know about that love story, I thought this was going to be my final chapter, I was sure of it. Then there was what I'm now referring to as "lost-Lily", there is a very deep sense of misplacement in the world when you find yourself in the unfortunate position of having to outlive your happily-ever-after. Now, well now it feels like there's going to be something else, and I'm not sure what yet, but that's ok.
This afternoon I am going to visit a special little new woodland, next to a quiet little airfield in Northumberland. Then I'm going to come home, set up a simple little altar, open a brand new journal and plot the next phase. During the few years I was a little lost I started some projects that have run way overdue that need tying up. There are a few life-admin things I need to take care of, and a few debts I want to repay, more emotional ones than practical ones. This feels less like starting a new chapter and more like writing an ending whilst planning for an amazing sequel.
Looking down at the remnants of the wish cords I put around my wrist a year ago (both of which worked very well, lol), I am aware this year I don't have anything I feel like I need to cast for. It's been a running joke amongst friends that "It's fine!" has been my go-to catchphrase when faced with absolutely any disaster or chaos, but I now think it may have been an unintentional invocation. Despite everything I've come through to get here, it is "fine".
Assuming I get all my little loose ends tied up between this year and next, I'm not going to have a single plan, obligation or commitment that I have to do. It doesn't feel like an "achievement" because the gods know I did get here on my own, and I don't feel "lucky" because getting here nearly ended me more than once... I just feel happy, and hopeful, and I really want to see what happens next.
Happy Samhain.
